Liquor Store Beauty Pageant

Liquor Store Beauty Pageant

Author: Admin

  • Furious George

    Stats:

    Type: Hefeweizen

    Brewery: Crooked Crab Brewing Co.

    Origin: Odenton, MD

    ABV: 5.6%

    Hops: Huell Melon

    Date Sipped: October 9, 2026

    Taste:

    Banana! vanilla bean, clove, cinnamon

    Color:

    Murky, golden-brown mustard

    Feel:

    Acidic bite at the front, wheaty heft middle, flavor lingers nicely

    Overall:

    “The Bluth frozen banana stand, the Despicable Me minions, Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson, Furious George.”

    Gun to my head, that’s my banana Mount Rushmore.

    Wait a minute… I spring up from the barber chair and 180° judo-chop my assailant in the side of his neck. His weapon drops to the hair-covered floor with a muffled thud.

    I knew it, the masked criminal seizing this all-cash business was wielding not a 9mm but a severely unripe banana. That and an extended back alley sabbatical explains the daytime sports TV-esque and the cracked-out grin as he lay prostrate amongst my hair trimmings. It explains how – legally speaking – unarmed, he fought his way through the two barbers and the other patron.

    Why spare me, the only individual in the shop trained in the Austin powers school of judo striking (a safe assumption given unconscious gentlemen strewn across the barber shop)? I looked in the mirror, the sides sport a skin fade, to top untouched in an unflattering broccoli manner.

    “I can’t end a man with such a fucked up cut,” the crackhead had said as he held me at banana point and flicked on the clippers. And to think people say courtesy and gallantry are dead…

    This is a really good beer. As advertised, the notes of banana come through, tastefully. If you hate banana, this beer is not for you. If you tolerate banana, give it a chance. I never got tired of the flavors, each sip was as salient as the last. Banana flavor is intimidating when its advertised as the main event, but the can art deserved a try. That’s the magic of the pageant.

  • First Pick

    Stats:

    Type: Hazy IPA

    Brewery: First State Brewing Co. + Pickett Brewing Co.

    Origin: Middletown, DE

    ABV: 6.8%

    Hops: Citra, Pacific Sunrise, Vic Secret

    Date Sipped: October 9, 2026

    Taste:

    Peach iced tea, gummy bears, cherry jolly rancher

    Color:

    Properly hazy, pineapple juice

    Feel:

    Flavor only on the tongue, coats the palate, lingers at the molars

    Overall:

    I’ve always wanted to be a rock star. To this day, when asked (albeit less frequently each year), “If you could be anything, what would you be?” I answer instantly, “A rock star.” Beyond my love of music and the allure of making a living on the back of one’s creativity, the pure elation of inciting happiness, joy, and shared experience in the hearts of a crowd must be the closest one could get to pure fulfillment and cosmic beauty – maybe other than saving lives.

    Nonetheless, as my passions have whipsawed from one obsession to the next I never fully committed to the disciplined practice routines or devil-may-care lifestyle. My late blooming confidence and preference for long bouts of reclusive introspection kept me from attempting a true campaign for musical renown.

    Maybe one of the increasingly obscure pieces of music gear I keep acquiring will finally be the key to unlocking my sound (the current favorite: my teenage engineering EP-40 Riddim). Maybe I’ll build up the gumption to share my music widely (the audio on my social posts is all original). Maybe a top Hollywood agent will be in the bar next time I’m at karaoke belting out Santeria. Maybe I’ll just keep indulging in what’s become audio therapy in my basement studio and bank on the progeny taking it to the next level.

    The rock stardom dream remains alive, and I hope it never dies. I may have to do a sort of Gorillaz or Sia obfuscation when I grey, but, in the meantime, I’ll flick on the amp and enjoy this excellent hazy IPA while I noodle away.

    This hazy is an explosion of flavor, a crowd howling for an encore. At first, it reminds me of Medusa Brewing’s Robot, Don’t Do Magic!, but it evolves into a sweeter riff, an eruption of sour candy and ripe stone fruit notes. Like most proper hazy’s it holds weight. The sip lingers with reverb along the palate, but the next sip still hits like a B.B. King note bend, puckering your lips in awe of the refined complexity.

  • Test Mocktail

    how about some poetry?

    Master’s Degree							(July 24, 2025)

    Schools by men of past-time’s glory prescribe
    visions of grandeur
    for only two years of lost wages and a kitchen renovation.

    You too can taste the plump air of the mountaintop.
    Here is your oxygen tank.
    The ascent is toil,
    beware frost bite and the bear.
    Markets make men who labor.

    I sit and lament, dodging onus of effort.
    Create wages and pontificate, 
    free climb and be free.

    Beware frostbite’s mirages.
    The ice caps are melting.
    The plains may be desert
    no rotting
    just bare.

    All agency of breath lies within.

  • Aboriginal Gangster

    Stats:

    Type: IPA

    Brewery: Burley Oak Brewing Co.

    Origin: Berlin, MD

    ABV: 6.6%

    Hops: NZ Motueka, Pacific Jade

    Date Sipped: September 18, 2026

    Taste:

    Soft bitterness, pine, lemon zest, chocolate as it warms

    Color:

    light brown to beige, medium haze (drinking out of a red Solo cup)

    Feel:

    Smooth entry, lingering bitter, heavy tongue

    Overall:

    My introduction to Burley Oak was also my introduction to colorful beer and sours. The Mountain Dew Jream was hyped up by my sister’s hauntingly troubled then-boyfriend.

    Meh.

    It was way too fruity for my then light beer preferring palate. I get the appeal, just not for me. Nonetheless, it was one of my first brewery visits and 21-year old me had a wonderful time drinking a flight of beer in the spring time eastern shore sun. That day their impressive Lost IPA gave me pause that maybe IPAs weren’t all bitter, toxic sludge.

    My second reckoning with Burley Oak was their “locally viral” COVID moment – a spat with Instragram followers over their anti-masking and general flippant stance over COVID-era restrictions. Admittedly, the ensuing vitriol in their comments turned me off of them for a couple years. Here we are six years later, and I hope we can agree that COVID made us all a little looney; the acerbic commenters and brewery deserve some grace. We’re all just “Turning and turning in the widening gyre” (Yeats, The Second Coming).

    So here I am giving the brewery another shot. This IPA is good. A bit too heavy, not leaning far enough into bitter or citrus or juice, it leaves something to be desired. A very different beer than the aforementioned Lost IPA, it drinks closer to a West Coast IPA style without committing. The heavy, lingering tongue texture precludes it from receiving a “crushable” classification, but its complex, evolving notes merit a try.

  • Red & Black Lumberjack

    Stats:

    Type: Hazy IPA

    Brewery: New Trail Brewing Co. + Other Half Brewing Co.

    Origin: Williamsport, PA

    ABV: 6.8%

    Hops: Citra Cryo, Mosaic Cryo, Motueka, Krush

    Date Sipped: September 9, 2026

    Taste:

    Lime front, tropical punch, apple

    Color:

    Opaque neon yellow

    Feel:

    Hazy heft without the lingering film

    Overall:

    A refreshingly tart hazy IPA more fittingly brewed for the faux lumberjack chic, 2010’s millenial than the weathered laker. Leathered hands or pleather jacket, this hazy is sure to satisfy. It has just enough heaviness to pull you into the fall season, but the overwhelming citrus helps you hold on to the waning summer days. Pure tasting like the other “Other Half” beer I’ve had, Poetry Snaps, with all the flavor of “New Trail,” this is a welcomed collab.

  • Star Spangled Pilsener

    Star Spangled Pilsener

    Stats:

    Type: Pilsner

    Brewery: Checkerspot Brewing Co.

    Origin: Baltimore, MD

    ABV: 4.2%

    Hops: Noble-lineage Oregon

    Date Sipped: August 31, 2026

    Taste:

    Sour, Pineapple, Lime, Lemon, Sorbet

    Color:

    Bright yellow, Peed on snow, Mello Yello

    Feel:

    Diffusive bubbles make you want to burp, Thin

    Overall:

    A delightfully flavorful, tart pilsner fit for a celebration. This is the first time I’m writing down how uncomfortable and confusing its been musing about our country’s birthday. So much tragedy, so much joy. So much achievement and light, so much cost.

    Nonetheless, this beer is worthy of a celebration all its own. Unlike the pilsners we grow up housing in parents’ garages and basements, this beer brings unrelenting flavor. It’s like drinking Sprite if it were beer, a really good beer.

    Brewed with clear care and refinement, this is a keeper for a summer barbecue. Enjoy it with fireworks and reflective patriotism.

  • Out of Order

    Stats:

    Type: American Sour

    Brewery: RAR Brewing Co.

    Origin: Cambridge, MD

    ABV: 5.0%

    Hops: ??? (Brewed with Pineapple, Coconut, Vanilla Ice Cream, and Lactose)

    Date Sipped: August 30, 2026

    Taste:

    Pineapple dole whip, Coconut, Egg custard

    Color:

    White, Opaque, Vanilla milkshake

    Feel:

    Thick with globs of cream, Pleasant and rich

    Overall:

    Wait, I like sours? Like the first time I tried a poolside, frozen, virgin piña colada, the doors of my brain have been blown off and my world has been turned upside down. You know you don’t need it, it can’t be good for you, its too expensive (21.99/4pk) for a silly drink, but its coconut, pineapple, and vanilla ice cream – I mean come on.

    Oddly, the beer taste adds to the experience, as it’s nicely incorporated into this perfected tropical mixture. Thank goodness that it still tastes like beer, because one look at the beer poured in a glass (chunky and white) and you start to think, “Wait. Is some sick freak trying to pull a fast one on me?”

    Thankfully, no, its just the price you pay for this delicious dessert beer. Think a beery Rita’s gelati – wow!

  • Robot, Don’t Do Magic!

    Stats:

    Type: Hazy IPA

    Brewery: Medusa Brewing Co.

    Origin: Framingham, MA

    ABV: 7.0%

    Hops: Talus, Citra, Rakau

    Date Sipped: August 27, 2026

    Taste:

    Raspberry iced tea, Lemon, Lipton tea

    Color:

    Darkish brown, muddy, Iced tea/Arnold Palmer, Orange tint

    Feel:

    Thin front and back, The flavor remains

    Overall:

    AGI may be nearer than we think. If my calculations are correct, the bots might already be master brewers with this masterpiece. This is one of the most creative tasting beers I’ve had in a while.

    The raspberry flavor almost makes you forget you are drinking a beer, then the hoppy finish keeps you grounded and wanting more. The fruit is inoffensive and well balanced. It sits heavy in the gut, but the taste blinds you to that. (Like when you put on a YouTube soundscape and you know its AI, but hey it lets you and the wife fall asleep, meeting in the middle between TV off and something with plot blaring in the background invading your dreams – this analogy got off the rails quickly).

    Sorry, Medusa, but your robot, or the individual named “Robot,” has indeed done magic: turning iced tea to beer. Just, please, please, please, don’t burn it at the stake for this and let it brew more.

  • The Cat’s Meow

    Stats:

    Type: Hazy IPA

    Brewery: Exhibit A Brewing Co.

    Origin: Williamsburg, MA

    ABV: 6.5%

    Hops: Citra, Mosaic, El Dorado

    Date Sipped: August 27, 2026

    Taste:

    Hint of vanilla, Orange

    Color:

    Very pale with a slight haze

    Feel:

    Wheaty front that quickly dissipates, Texture remains on tongue

    Overall:

    Have you ever picked a classic movie from a greatest of all time list and its actually lived up to the hype? Well, this was nothing like that. This smugly labeled IPA falls flat of its self congratulations.

    There is nothing noteworthy to report about this beer. Flavor was lackluster – think the first hour and 58 minutes of Citizen Kane – and the texture lingered far longer than the taste profile of even the first sip. It’s not a bad beer and maybe drinking this under a gloomy Massachusetts sky is making me a bit harsh, but I won’t be in a rush to try the sequel.

  • Chronic Hopnotic

    Stats:

    Type: West Coast IPA

    Brewery: Black Flag Brewing Co.

    Origin: Columbia, MD

    ABV: 7%

    Hops:Columbus, Simcoe, Amarillo

    Date Sipped: August 21, 2026

    Taste:

    Pleasant hoppiness, Strawberry, Bitters

    Color:

    Pure gold, Very clear, Shiny

    Feel:

    Smooth mouth feel, Lingers on the tongue, Not very bubbly

    Overall:

    Am I back in college? No, I wouldn’t be fiending for this bitter IPA back in my SoCal heyday, but it makes you call out for another hit as soon as the first one hits the dome. This is an easy sipper fit for a cruise down W. 28th St. (passenger seat, of course). Crack the can, kick back, sip, and get shlossed bumping some Dre and Nipsey.